How To Ask What You Want To Know?

My first ever mail from a reader. Thank you for all of your support.

"Hello Mr.Sriram,

I am k(real names not disclosed) from chennai doing my college. . .Landed on ur blog when i searched for articles. . I liked ur articles. . .I was thinking whether you can help me with a issue that my friend is suffering from right now. . .Her name is S. .her boyfriend is a very jovial person who has a big friends circle. . . Ltely he is showing very less interest in my friend and my friend is suspecting that he might be cheating on her. . .She doesnt know how to deal with this thought and is afraid to ask him. . .She is having a tuf time because of this. . .She has lost the interest in everything,She is doing bad in studies. . .We all are worried looking her this way. . .She fears that asking him out of doubt will ruin her relationship. . .I am writing to you hoping to get a solution. . .Thank you. . .Pls donot disclose our true names incase if u r writing a article addressing our mail.

With Love and respect

k "

The above are the actual words of our reader. Thank you for your trust in me. In your friend's case,the problem is that she is afraid to ask due to the fear of rejection and to face the truth. Its a very normal state of a human mind to project a small problem to hundred folds and mull over it. Let me tell you the reason for it.

Human Mind at Work
Basically in a human being's head there are two minds at work,one is the conscious mind and other one is the sub conscious mind. The science behind the operation of these minds is very beautiful one.Your conscious mind works only when you are awake and it is responsible for what you do at a particular moment but the sub conscious mind never takes any rest. It even operates when we sleep(It is the one responsible for generating dreams).

This subconscious mind keeps on analyzing your fears(all through the day whether you are awake or not) and generates a list of most practical and superficial possibilities. So when this list is generated, our conscious mind takes the most justified of the possibilities based on the track record of the happenings in our lives and the lives of people around us and fears over it. So in a period of time this fear in us gets exhibited through our actions and words without our knowledge and sets the stage for our fear to become a reality(This is what we call as vibe).

Take a grip
The solution for the problem is very simple. Rather giving space for all these thoughts and grinding them and fabricating a nice problem for ourselves,we can save our energy by putting all these to halt and asking our loved ones directly. But all of us out there don't know where to start and how to start. So we somehow mess things up and leaving it Hot and confused. This is exactly the time when we need to maintain our cool and not succumb to the temptation of using of words that might scar our partners.

Please always Works
The best way to asking something that you want to know is by adding a little kindness. Rather than starting with fireworks like "Are you cheating on me?" you can frame it like this "I want to talk to you about something important. Lately you are showing less interest in me. Is it because of your work ? love you so much and i want little more of your attention on me please".This second sentence would surely work as it forms a emotional bridge. Your partner will surely respond to you in a positive way making more space for love and happiness.

Bottom line

Kindness never hurts but unwanted words do(At first it may make you feel satisfied for defeating your partner but later will make you realize that you too have lost the battle because if either one of you lose then you both lose it).

Ask your partner softly about what you want to know because anger always kills love.

Never jump into hasty conclusions. Ask you partner what they have to say and then decide.

By
Shriram Srinivasan

Is Possessiveness A Serious Relationship Threat?

This week the problem that we are going to look into is Possessiveness which poses to be the derailing factor in most of the happy relationships. When u look into the minute details of this feeling which we call as possessiveness we can find a very elegant meaning "You are mine".

If the feeling of possessiveness has such a beautiful meaning then where lies the problem to derail the peace and happiness in the relationship?The answer for the above question is what we are going to see today.

Everything is Fair in Love
Like i have been saying from my first post, love is not a child's play. Its a beautiful feeling that we develop for a person over time which involves care and commitment. All of us on the face of this Earth long to find a person who would love us for whom we are.

Finding that right person for us out of the millions of people that we meet is the biggest miracle that could happen in our lives.Fortunately we have met that destined person of our life and we have fallen head over heals in love with that person.Everything is perfect with the passion and love sizzling.Its a human Instinct to protect something that they feel is rightfully theirs without thinking about the ways involved and that is what we call as possessiveness.

Liberated Souls
All the above said are just one side of the coin. The other side has its own stories and justification. In the world of relationship there is a another class of people those who like to have their personal space.Even though they love their partner so deeply in their heart they prefer to have some freedom to do what they want to do and enjoy themselves.

This kind of people are whom we call as "liberated souls".The people who belong to this class feel good and happy only when they are let to have their space. Whoever who try to control these kind of people by force will find their efforts to be futile.Again here with these people we have another human nature at play.These kind of people tend to defend their freedom with everything that they have even if the person who is trying to control them are their parents.


Meet Of The Coin's Two Faces
Now as we know about the two mindsets of the people,i believe it would be easy to drill down to the core of the problem.When the bond of relationship is developed between two people belonging to the same class, there would be hardly any chances of misconception.But that doesn't happen often.So Lets address the massive population of people like us who have a partner from the other side.

Imagine a person who is so protective over the person whom they love and the person who is so inclined to defending his freedom form the bond of love. After a few months into the relationship,one of the partner would be trying to be protective over their love and not letting anyone else (Not even friends) to harm that happy relationship(eg :Always trying to spend time with their partner ) while the other would be bitterly trying to defend the potential threat to the loss of their freedom to do what they want(eg: Not getting time to do what they want to do).Slowly the friction arises and the more they try to protect and defend the more the friction grows.At certain point the friction would be so high that it would have generated a fire that would burn down all the love between the partners.

Lubrication For Friction
Possessiveness is not that bad of a problem as we all think.A simple antidote for this is just pure Love.With love comes understanding and sacrifice,with understanding and sacrifice comes more love.As i usually say, in a relationship communication is important.Try to put down your swords and armors and try to open up to your partners about how you feel.Remember that they are the same old person with whom you madly fell in love and not your arch rivals.Stop defending yourself when they are telling you about how they feel if you truly want to know what they feel.

After heeding ears to your partner, think to yourselves about how much you value your partner's feeling and make a few little sacrifices and see.When they see the difference in you, they will understand your effort and love for them and they will try to do few sacrifices for you restoring the peace and happiness in the relationship.Remember, both protectiveness and personal freedom is good only when it is within their limits.


Bottomline:

"Possesiveness is a beautiful feeling if you learn how to exhibit and feel it."

People who are protective remember that giving some freedom to your partner is not going to hurt your relationship.If they haven't liked you then they wouldn't have got into a relationship with you in the first place.

People who crave for personal freedom remember that there is a person who loves you more than how much you love your freedom.So respect their love and try to be considerate to their needs.

By
Shriram Srinivasan

To Confess Or Not To Confess?

This week we are going to discuss about one of the most pestering questions that keeps running in most of our minds. Mainly this is a predominant question in the minds of people who are in a relationship. Most of us out there feel "why to risk it when everything is perfect?" but let me tell you,relationships are not just about uttering cheese ball words and maintaining a good physical intimacy.Well all those are there but when it comes to a true relationship it mostly about accepting your partner for whom they are. The strength of the true relationship is put to acid test only during the confession of the partners. But however strong the bond of relationship is,it has proved to have fallen in most of the cases during confession.Because of the good track record of failures there is a famous say tat goes "Confession is good for your soul but bad for your relationship!" All these have created a general fear among people whether to confess to their partner or not?Do not Panic! The mistake doesn't lie in part of confession but it rather lies in the timing of the confession. Yes, you heard me.Its the timing of confession which acts as the main factor in the outcome.
From here on i am going to divide the part of article which is about to follow into two. Readers are welcome and suggested to read both the parts even if one of the part is not for them.

For Those who want to Confess about their past : The people who are thinking about confessing to their partner are the ones who undergo maximum torment by the haunting thoughts in their head. If you fall under this section then i am sure that you have shipload of questions kicking in.Let me phrase a general few of them.
"Will my confession spoil my relationship?", "Wat if i don't confess?then there is no chance of he/she to get mad at me,right?", "Am i the only wrong doer?why should i alone confess?". But never let any of these question mislead you.I will give the good reasons why you should confess,

1) You love your partner and you don't want to hide anything from him
2) Believe me, he/she would feel much more worse when the same truth about you comes from someone else.
3)You will come over guilt and have a peace of mind.
4)You will get the chance to know who your partner is and how much his/her love is, when it comes to the part of accepting your mistakes.

But as i told you before,confession can be fatal without few observations.Try to analyse the following before you jump into the confession.

1)Analyse the seriousness of the matter which you are trying to confess.
2)If its serious never throw the whole lot at his/her face(Major mistake which people do) rather start it as a general discussion and later slowly tell him tat you had a similar experience in your life(Give him just an outline).If he/she is interested in knowing it (in a caring way)then slowly unwind it bit by bit.
3)Never start the confession when your partner is already struck with other day to day tension and problems.
4)Explain him the situation in which the mistake happened and how bad you feel about it.
5)Tell him how much you love him and assure him tat it wont happen again.
6)Give him sometime to handle it.

For those who takes confession: A simple truth in life is none of us r perfect.Humans are prone to mistake.Whether be it a small mistake or a big mistake,mistakes are always mistakes. The fact that you didn't commit a similar mistake or haven't committed a mistake that would measure up to your partner's mistake doesn't make you any better.Don't get me wrong, i am not saying tat making mistakes are right but what i am trying to say is "give your partner a chance".Its quite normal to get angry when your partner confesses to you about their mistakes in their past but how well you handle your anger and how well you try to analyse their confession by putting yourself in your partner's shoes speaks out how much you value your love for that person.Few things that i would like to share with you and want you to remember are

1)Confession takes a great deal of courage than to commit the mistake
2)Confession shows how much love that person has for you and how much they value your relationship.
3) Shows your partner's belief on u tat you will understand their situation.
4)Confession shows that your partner is truthful to you and are ready to face the consequences rather to hide it from you and cheat you.

"How to handle confession?" is the next question because almost everyone is bad at it. To handle confession all you need is pure love.Remember the following

1)Listen to what they say without showing any sign of anger.
2)Appreciate their confession and let them know that you need sometime to work on it.
3)Sit and think about the good times you had with your partner and the sacrifices and other things that they have done for you.
4)Don't tell them what they have done is wrong because they already knew it and thats why they are confessing it to you.
5)Realise that they are confessing to u only cos they love u and are ready to accept their mistake and rectify it.
6)Try to forget and forgive their mistakes even if it takes time and try to comfort them.

Forgetting your partner's mistakes and accepting them for whom they are makes you Godlike and strengthens their love for you.

Bottomline: Remember none of us are perfect.Whoever you have met so far in your life and whoever you are about to meet are sure to come with a past and it not necessary tat everyone has a beautiful past like yours.All of you in a relationship,try to encourage and motivate your partner to share their past with you.Relationships yor all about accepting your partners for who they are at the present and let their pasts fly with the wind.

True love is not about how well u enjoy with your partner during good times but rather how well you understand them and stand with them offering your support during the hard time.

Confession is good for your soul and relationship with proper timing and sense involved.

Life is too short to live on the past and neglect a rare true love that you have in the present.Afterall life is all about second chances.


By,
Shriram Srinivasan