It seems like everyone is breaking up! Move-outs, divorces, bust-ups are everywhere. But if you look past the people throwing plates across the kitchen, perhaps right next door - there are plenty of couples who are staying together for as long as they both shall live.
The thing is, longevity has a lot going for it. First, it grounds you in a world full of change. This leads to greater productivity and better overall happiness. Again and again, studies show that being in a long-term stable relationship brings joy and contentment. Many believe we are literally made to share our lives with one other person. So why is it so hard?
Well, it's counter to the ego. The ego wants to isolate, criticize and dominate. Most relationships don't last very long if two egos are running the show. So swallow your pride and give in to love. Then make it last by following these four steps.
1. Ebb and flow
A few years with the love of your life and you may find yourself in a lull of passion, connection and even basic respect for your partner. This is just as temporary as the high you had when you first met. And it will pass. Most relationships follow a "darkest before the dawn" kind of pattern. Things must become painful for both people to grow through their intimacy fears and reach out to their partner.
A romantic life-commitment partnership is like two spinning orbs of lights rebounding off each other. Each time they connect, they shine brighter as one. But the cost to make that connection is to face and walk through fear. Your only choice is where you are going to reach for connection. By reaching in to the relationship, you affirm the relationship. By reaching out of the relationship (isolating, obsessing on hobbies, over-working, looking for sexual gratification from others) you are denying your relationship. The relationship is still there - you just have to turn toward it. This is the ebb and flow of human intimacy.
The ability to stick around as your partner turns away from the relationship is the essence of longevity. Because just as you will have to exercise loving patience for your partner, they will exercise loving patience for you. No couple that has been together for a long amount of time says that every day was paradise. But what they do say is that when times weren't good, they turned to each other to get through.
2. Communicate!
Love means never saying, "You always___." Love allows both people to have a different reaction to each other and the world. Love always gives someone another chance to connect. So before you go to, "I would communicate but my partner always ignores me/ argues / leaves the room / doesn't understand, etc." you must try again. An intimate connection to another person is a deeply sacred calling.
Don't fall into the trap of thinking it's up to your partner to communicate with you. Most relationships have one person who naturally communicates better than the other. So if you feel like you always go first, good! Go first. Even if you are not the "talkative one," if you are ignoring a call to speak, you are cosigning for communication breakdown. Seek out couple's counseling if you don't feel emotionally safe talking out some issues. There's a sense of "leveling the field" when you can talk in front of an impartial third party.
3. Nurture sex
Then there is a pure language of love, which does not have words. This is the sexual connection you feel for your partner. Sexual intercourse doesn't have to be the goal, but touching and hugging, complimenting and overall physical contact needs to be the ongoing communication that comforts both parties through the verbal communication. So sometimes, even if you are mid-process of locking horns, quiet yourself and reach out to touch and comfort your partner. And if this does lead to great lovemaking - that's one more perk to longevity!
4. Reverence
Most of us can recall our resentments very quickly and relay details as though it were yesterday. But when it comes to gratitude, we have one-day amnesia. The gratitude you felt yesterday is the empty space of today. You must actively list the things you love about your life and your life-partner. It can be as simple as enjoying the smell of your partner on your pillow, the familiarity of your shared home, the memories of happy times together. A long-term relationship is like our health - we take it for granted until it deteriorates. And if you really want to feel the divine connection, read your list to your partner. A relationship is about sharing, so share it.
The value of your relationship is only determined by the way you value it. So if you feel like you are drifting away, put your connection to your partner before everything else. The relationship can only benefit from your renewed commitment to it. So start with you. Love has a way of spreading. So if you want more, give more. Chances are, you'll discover that the love you are looking for is already there.
by
Moira McMahon
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