Thursday, February 26, 2009

How To Ask What You Want To Know?

My first ever mail from a reader. Thank you for all of your support.

"Hello Mr.Sriram,
I am k(real names not disclosed) from chennai doing my college. . .Landed on ur blog when i searched for articles. . I liked ur articles. . .I was thinking whether you can help me with a issue that my friend is suffering from right now. . .Her name is S. .her boyfriend is a very jovial person who has a big friends circle. . . Ltely he is showing very less interest in my friend and my friend is suspecting that he might be cheating on her. . .She doesnt know how to deal with this thought and is afraid to ask him. . .She is having a tuf time because of this. . .She has lost the interest in everything,She is doing bad in studies. . .We all are worried looking her this way. . .She fears that asking him out of doubt will ruin her relationship. . .I am writing to you hoping to get a solution. . .Thank you. . .Pls donot disclose our true names incase if u r writing a article addressing our mail.
With Love and respect
k "

The above are the actual words of our reader. Thank you for your trust in me. In your friend's case,the problem is that she is afraid to ask due to the fear of rejection and to face the truth. Its a very normal state of a human mind to project a small problem to hundred folds and mull over it. Let me tell you the reason for it.

Human Mind at Work
Basically in a human being's head there are two minds at work,one is the conscious mind and other one is the sub conscious mind. The science behind the operation of these minds is very beautiful one.Your conscious mind works only when you are awake and it is responsible for what you do at a particular moment but the sub conscious mind never takes any rest. It even operates when we sleep(It is the one responsible for generating dreams).

This subconscious mind keeps on analyzing your fears(all through the day whether you are awake or not) and generates a list of most practical and superficial possibilities. So when this list is generated, our conscious mind takes the most justified of the possibilities based on the track record of the happenings in our lives and the lives of people around us and fears over it. So in a period of time this fear in us gets exhibited through our actions and words without our knowledge and sets the stage for our fear to become a reality(This is what we call as vibe).

Take a grip
The solution for the problem is very simple. Rather giving space for all these thoughts and grinding them and fabricating a nice problem for ourselves,we can save our energy by putting all these to halt and asking our loved ones directly. But all of us out there don't know where to start and how to start. So we somehow mess things up and leaving it Hot and confused. This is exactly the time when we need to maintain our cool and not succumb to the temptation of using of words that might scar our partners.

Please always Works
The best way to asking something that you want to know is by adding a little kindness. Rather than starting with fireworks like "Are you cheating on me?" you can frame it like this "I want to talk to you about something important. Lately you are showing less interest in me. Is it because of your work ? love you so much and i want little more of your attention on me please".This second sentence would surely work as it forms a emotional bridge. Your partner will surely respond to you in a positive way making more space for love and happiness.

Bottom line

Kindness never hurts but unwanted words do(At first it may make you feel satisfied for defeating your partner but later will make you realize that you too have lost the battle because if either one of you lose then you both lose it).

Ask your partner softly about what you want to know because anger always kills love.

Never jump into hasty conclusions. Ask you partner what they have to say and then decide.

By
Shriram Srinivasan

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Is Possessiveness A Serious Relationship Threat?

This week the problem that we are going to look into is Possessiveness which poses to be the derailing factor in most of the happy relationships. When u look into the minute details of this feeling which we call as possessiveness we can find a very elegant meaning "You are mine".

If the feeling of possessiveness has such a beautiful meaning then where lies the problem to derail the peace and happiness in the relationship?The answer for the above question is what we are going to see today.

Everything is Fair in Love
Like i have been saying from my first post, love is not a child's play. Its a beautiful feeling that we develop for a person over time which involves care and commitment. All of us on the face of this Earth long to find a person who would love us for whom we are.

Finding that right person for us out of the millions of people that we meet is the biggest miracle that could happen in our lives.Fortunately we have met that destined person of our life and we have fallen head over heals in love with that person.Everything is perfect with the passion and love sizzling.Its a human Instinct to protect something that they feel is rightfully theirs without thinking about the ways involved and that is what we call as possessiveness.

Liberated Souls
All the above said are just one side of the coin. The other side has its own stories and justification. In the world of relationship there is a another class of people those who like to have their personal space.Even though they love their partner so deeply in their heart they prefer to have some freedom to do what they want to do and enjoy themselves.

This kind of people are whom we call as "liberated souls".The people who belong to this class feel good and happy only when they are let to have their space. Whoever who try to control these kind of people by force will find their efforts to be futile.Again here with these people we have another human nature at play.These kind of people tend to defend their freedom with everything that they have even if the person who is trying to control them are their parents.


Meet Of The Coin's Two Faces
Now as we know about the two mindsets of the people,i believe it would be easy to drill down to the core of the problem.When the bond of relationship is developed between two people belonging to the same class, there would be hardly any chances of misconception.But that doesn't happen often.So Lets address the massive population of people like us who have a partner from the other side.

Imagine a person who is so protective over the person whom they love and the person who is so inclined to defending his freedom form the bond of love. After a few months into the relationship,one of the partner would be trying to be protective over their love and not letting anyone else (Not even friends) to harm that happy relationship(eg :Always trying to spend time with their partner ) while the other would be bitterly trying to defend the potential threat to the loss of their freedom to do what they want(eg: Not getting time to do what they want to do).Slowly the friction arises and the more they try to protect and defend the more the friction grows.At certain point the friction would be so high that it would have generated a fire that would burn down all the love between the partners.

Lubrication For Friction
Possessiveness is not that bad of a problem as we all think.A simple antidote for this is just pure Love.With love comes understanding and sacrifice,with understanding and sacrifice comes more love.As i usually say, in a relationship communication is important.Try to put down your swords and armors and try to open up to your partners about how you feel.Remember that they are the same old person with whom you madly fell in love and not your arch rivals.Stop defending yourself when they are telling you about how they feel if you truly want to know what they feel.

After heeding ears to your partner, think to yourselves about how much you value your partner's feeling and make a few little sacrifices and see.When they see the difference in you, they will understand your effort and love for them and they will try to do few sacrifices for you restoring the peace and happiness in the relationship.Remember, both protectiveness and personal freedom is good only when it is within their limits.


Bottomline:

"Possesiveness is a beautiful feeling if you learn how to exhibit and feel it."

People who are protective remember that giving some freedom to your partner is not going to hurt your relationship.If they haven't liked you then they wouldn't have got into a relationship with you in the first place.

People who crave for personal freedom remember that there is a person who loves you more than how much you love your freedom.So respect their love and try to be considerate to their needs.

By
Shriram Srinivasan