Love's Hidden Lessons

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Anais Nin once wrote that "We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are," and in no area is this truer than in a relationship. From your little annoyance over the fact that your partner can't keep the house clean to that constant, underlying fear that they're going to leave, problems big and small reflect back upon us.

They often reveal more about our own worries, insecurities and obsessions than they do about our partners. That's not to say that anyone's significant other is perfect! You may very well have just cause for wanting to bite your mate's head off, or for worrying that they're seeing someone else. No matter how valid your concern is, every relationship struggle holds the key to positive personal change for you.

So it might be time to address those deep-seated fears, or simply to improve the way you deal with conflict. Here are some examples of hidden lessons in love's conflicts - and how you can turn romantic challenges into growth!

Learn to let go!
Naturally, everybody likes having things their own way. If you're among the easily annoyed, however, you may find that your partner's tiny flaws cause petty arguments, resentment or irritation on a regular basis. If this is the case, the odds are that the real problem isn't their neat freakish-ness, or their proclivity for bad movies - it's your need to control everything. How, you ask?

Simple: most of us see our partners as reflections on us. We worry that how they're viewed influences how others see us, as well. So if you have a partner who doesn't wash their car too often, you fear others see you as lacking standards. Or if your mate doesn't do things as you would, your unconscious concern is that you'll be perceived as following their less-than-perfect path.

Miror mirror...
The trouble is, our mates do not reflect on us - they reflect at us. Translation: through our differences, we're actually being offered an opportunity to see our behavior in a new light, instead of judging theirs.

The next time you find yourself annoyed and searching for a way to fix your partner's quirks, ask yourself instead why they bother you. Here's a hint: "because my way is the right way" or "that's just how things are supposed to be" are not acceptable answers. Look deep. Is the fact that your lover's coffee cup never makes it to the sink worth arguing about every day? Maybe you can just pick it up and put it there yourself, saving that battle for a better day - and a more worthy topic.

Let love rule
Let's face it, we all have insecurities - but if you find yourself repeating bad patterns in relationship after relationship, you might want to try something new. Instead of cursing Cupid amidst cries of "why me?" ask yourself what the universe is trying to show you. Are you always afraid that your mate is cheating? It's likely your self-esteem could use a boost. And if you're attracted to people who won't commit, it could be that you're actually afraid of commitment yourself.

The answers, in these cases, aren't always going to come easily - and it's possible that your deepest fears about your love have a foundation in reality. Here's the catch: this is not about the universe sending you unfaithful or noncommittal partners- it's that you're attracting them.

If you feel plagued by bad patterns in love, do some self-analysis. What was the same about each relationship? Hint: don't start with your significant others, start with yourself! How were you feeling when you initiated the relationship? When did the concerns begin? How did you react? If you start to see the specifics of a pattern, you can take steps to change it - starting from the inside. And the best part of this process will come in the results. When your motivations and behaviors change, so will the relationships you enter into.

True intimacy
Finally, many of us find it difficult to be vulnerable. Allowing someone else to see our weaknesses, after all, creates the risk that they may not love us anymore. The catch is, if someone can't handle our weaknesses, they don't truly love us - at least not unconditionally. It's natural not to like certain things about each other in a relationship, but lasting love relies upon acceptance of the good, the bad and the ugly.

If you find yourself faced with a partner who puts up a wall, don't assume they don't love you. And - worse still - don't clam up! The best way to affect a change and foster a connection is to be more open and sharing, encouraging the same behavior from them. Conversely, if your struggle is to let your own guard down, don't assume there is something wrong with your mate for wanting a way in.

Instead of shying away from honest conversations and difficult subjects, try admiring their courage when they confide in you. Recognize how hard that actually is. What you'll likely find, in either situation, are shared fears and down-to-earth human insecurities - both of which will actually bring you closer together, and make you stronger as individuals - and as a pair.

by,

S.K.Smith

Tips on How to handle Jealousy!

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When love is mixed with fear it creates one of the most powerful emotions on earth: jealousy. Here are three questions to ask yourself that will help you handle your jealousy and become a more loving, trusting person.

Why are you jealous?
When you're trying to handle your own jealousy, the first thing to consider is why you're feeling jealous. Did something happen to cause your jealousy, or are you struggling with irrational emotions rather than a current situation? Do you have trust issues with your partner? Or are your jealous tendencies left over from a previous relationship? Maybe you have issues with trusting yourself that you are projecting onto the other person.

If your partner did something that made you question their trustworthiness, address that situation specifically. Otherwise, take a look at the patterns in your life that have brought on your trust issues. Address those core concerns - and you'll be less likely to drag them into an otherwise-happy relationship.
How do you express jealousy?
The next step is to question how you're communicating your feelings of jealousy with your partner. Do you quietly repress your feelings - but secretly let resentment grow in your heart? Do you throw accusations around and maybe threaten to leave? Maybe you break down in tears, and beg them not to leave you.

It's important to use positive communication techniques to let your partner know when something hurts your feelings and makes you feel jealous. Pick a time when you can communicate in a calm, safe way, and use "I" statements such as "I feel jealous when you have lunch with your ex-girlfriend" or "I feel jealous when you chat with women online."

What do you do with jealousy? The next step is to begin paying attention to what actions you're taking as a result of your jealous feelings. When you start feeling jealous, how do you react? Do you snoop through email and check the cell phone records? Maybe you throw a tantrum and throw out accusations about cheating?

Whether you realize it or not, reacting to jealousy this way will only leave you with more fear and frustration. In a way, your goal is to find something incriminating, so in that sense you will only be "satisfied" if you find proof of infidelity. And your fear will drive them away, emotionally - which is the opposite of what you really wanted.

Stop the cycle - the more you act out of jealousy, the more you create that vicious circle of fear and frustration. Of course it's important to pay attention if your partner is acting suspiciously, but at the end of the day your jealous behavior is not going to keep anyone from cheating - in some cases, it may even encourage it.

If you truly want to let go of jealousy, you must also let go of the idea that you can control someone through love. Just as love is a risk, trust is a choice. Each time you decide not to snoop or pry, you make a choice to become a more loving, trusting partner.

by

Lisa Weseman

Understanding Gender - Men's mind

In the last article that i wrote, I focused on how to decode Women’s feelings .This time so as to make justice, i am going to help women understand men’s mind. Even though the platform for both the genders lies in Love, the way they express it is completely different. Now let me break down the complex theory behind the functioning of Men’s mind.

Hard Nut with A Soft Heart!

In most of the relationship the biggest problem lies in understanding each others feelings. The proverb “Appearances are always deceptive” stands correct with men.. Even though men look tough and macho on the outside, on the inside they are the ones who crave for attention from their loved ones the most. A best understandable way to put this is, Men in love are like a small puppy. When u are with them giving all your attention to them ,they feel happy and when u leave them alone, they will go to a corner and whine or do something irrational(Like breaking or tearing things in case of puppies and in case men, arguing and fighting without reasons) to catch your attention. So whenever your guy does the above, it means he is craving for your attention.

Once In A Blue Moon

One thing that most women don’t understand is that men too have expectations to be surprised by their loved one. Well, not very often but men do expect to be surprised once in a blue moon. The surprises need not necessarily be gifts but it could be something which he never expected you to do but wanted you to do (Like, you doing the planning for a date with him, going with him to a ball game, Holding his hands, A hug or a kiss when he never expected).These kind of surprises can make a man feel very happy. After all love is all about making each other feel special right?

Possessive and Protective!

When it comes to relationship, men tend to become very possessive and protective. As a result they try to block things out of the way which they feel might come between them and their loved ones. A man in love always prefers to be his woman’s one and only care taker and comforter. When someone else tries to take that position of his ,he gets possessive and protective by not allowing anyone to get near his woman. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t trust you.The actual meaning behind this is he loves you so much and is not ready to share your love and affection with anyone.

Emotions Are Human

In the ages of Kings, Men use to hide their emotions so as not to make their weeping wives feel much more miserable when they leave for war. And from then till now the society in which we live in have followed the same picture and have forced men to hide their emotions making them look like they are void of emotions. But the truth is like women, men too have emotions. Do you know when a man in Love feels pathetic and helpless? its when the woman he loves fights with him and puts on her short face and abandons him for a while makes him devoid of her love. Yes, men are physically strong but mentally fragile. Men don’t have the luxury of crying to vent out their emotions like women do, so they used an alternative to vent out their emotions and that alternative is Anger. So if your man is displaying anger, it means he is venting out his emotions.

Bottomline :

Men are like small babies. so as long as you shower them with your love and keep them in the shade of your affection, they will be smiling and happy.

The more you understand their love and recognize the efforts, the more they tend to change in order to keep you happy.

By,

Shriram Srinivasan

Secrets Of Enjoying Love and Keeping Breakup Away!

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It seems like everyone is breaking up! Move-outs, divorces, bust-ups are everywhere. But if you look past the people throwing plates across the kitchen, perhaps right next door - there are plenty of couples who are staying together for as long as they both shall live.

The thing is, longevity has a lot going for it. First, it grounds you in a world full of change. This leads to greater productivity and better overall happiness. Again and again, studies show that being in a long-term stable relationship brings joy and contentment. Many believe we are literally made to share our lives with one other person. So why is it so hard?

Well, it's counter to the ego. The ego wants to isolate, criticize and dominate. Most relationships don't last very long if two egos are running the show. So swallow your pride and give in to love. Then make it last by following these four steps.

1. Ebb and flow
A few years with the love of your life and you may find yourself in a lull of passion, connection and even basic respect for your partner. This is just as temporary as the high you had when you first met. And it will pass. Most relationships follow a "darkest before the dawn" kind of pattern. Things must become painful for both people to grow through their intimacy fears and reach out to their partner.

A romantic life-commitment partnership is like two spinning orbs of lights rebounding off each other. Each time they connect, they shine brighter as one. But the cost to make that connection is to face and walk through fear. Your only choice is where you are going to reach for connection. By reaching in to the relationship, you affirm the relationship. By reaching out of the relationship (isolating, obsessing on hobbies, over-working, looking for sexual gratification from others) you are denying your relationship. The relationship is still there - you just have to turn toward it. This is the ebb and flow of human intimacy.

The ability to stick around as your partner turns away from the relationship is the essence of longevity. Because just as you will have to exercise loving patience for your partner, they will exercise loving patience for you. No couple that has been together for a long amount of time says that every day was paradise. But what they do say is that when times weren't good, they turned to each other to get through.

2. Communicate!
Love means never saying, "You always___." Love allows both people to have a different reaction to each other and the world. Love always gives someone another chance to connect. So before you go to, "I would communicate but my partner always ignores me/ argues / leaves the room / doesn't understand, etc." you must try again. An intimate connection to another person is a deeply sacred calling.

Don't fall into the trap of thinking it's up to your partner to communicate with you. Most relationships have one person who naturally communicates better than the other. So if you feel like you always go first, good! Go first. Even if you are not the "talkative one," if you are ignoring a call to speak, you are cosigning for communication breakdown. Seek out couple's counseling if you don't feel emotionally safe talking out some issues. There's a sense of "leveling the field" when you can talk in front of an impartial third party.

3. Nurture sex
Then there is a pure language of love, which does not have words. This is the sexual connection you feel for your partner. Sexual intercourse doesn't have to be the goal, but touching and hugging, complimenting and overall physical contact needs to be the ongoing communication that comforts both parties through the verbal communication. So sometimes, even if you are mid-process of locking horns, quiet yourself and reach out to touch and comfort your partner. And if this does lead to great lovemaking - that's one more perk to longevity!

4. Reverence
Most of us can recall our resentments very quickly and relay details as though it were yesterday. But when it comes to gratitude, we have one-day amnesia. The gratitude you felt yesterday is the empty space of today. You must actively list the things you love about your life and your life-partner. It can be as simple as enjoying the smell of your partner on your pillow, the familiarity of your shared home, the memories of happy times together. A long-term relationship is like our health - we take it for granted until it deteriorates. And if you really want to feel the divine connection, read your list to your partner. A relationship is about sharing, so share it.

The value of your relationship is only determined by the way you value it. So if you feel like you are drifting away, put your connection to your partner before everything else. The relationship can only benefit from your renewed commitment to it. So start with you. Love has a way of spreading. So if you want more, give more. Chances are, you'll discover that the love you are looking for is already there.

by

Moira McMahon

Understanding Gender - Women's mind

After a long month its good to be back.This time we are going to discuss a very interesting topic. I took up this topic as an attempt to help the guys out there who have a hard time interpreting their loved ones feelings. I have seen guys breaking their heads trying to understand what their women are actually trying to say. Well this week we will learn how to decrypt the women's feelings.

Doesn't Mean the Way It Sounded

one basic thing that we guys have to understand is that women and men think differently. It has been scientifically proved that women are emotional being while men are instinctual beings. so both men and women have a huge unbridged gap between the way their minds work.A women in love will always put her lover before her needs. women basically try to hide their likes and train their mind not to expect anything so as to avoid the disappointments in case if their guys don't do what they expect.The good example is every women like Flowers but still when their lover asks them they say that they don't like flowers and its a waste of money.

Eyes Speaks Heart's Language

Still it remains a challenge for most of the guys to understand the reason for their lover's dissatisfaction even after doing what their lover asked to. If you have the same problem,let me ask you this."Have you ever tried reading a women's eyes when they say something??".Because the answer for your problem lies in this. Yes, very classical and effective method of decoding women's feeling lies in the guy's ability to read their eyes. Its a beauty in God's creation is that women's eyes speaks their true feelings even when the words from their mouth means the opposite.Their eyes tells you the exact truth that their heart holds even if they try to hide it from their guys. Be it love or anger or disappointment or attraction or lust or expectancy or care or any x y z, you can read the truth from their eyes.


Surprises are their Christmas

Believe me or not,there is nothing that could make a women happy and satisfied better than a good old surprise from their lover. Its in the nature of women to expect their loved ones to do things for them without having to ask.Lets get back to the flower example.When a women speaks about something that she likes she has this spark in her eye even if the words from her mouth says otherwise! In most of the cases women wont directly ask for something.They just give cues and its the duty of us guys to pick up the cues and surprise them.The better you pick up the cues and surprise them the more happier your women would be.

To make you guys understand let me give a example for one such cue.Imagine a situation when your women tells " I saw a pink dress today at ABC store and it looked so gorgeous.I wasn't able to take my eyes of it ".Well this is one such cue which means i loved that dress and wish i could own them.Then if you buy her that same dress as a surprise, even though if she says "Why did you get it?I didn't ask you to buy it.It is costly",deep down in her she would be bubbling with happiness and flying in the air that you understand her needs.


Love and Embracing Makes a day

Most of the women on the face of this earth are very sensitive creatures of the God. Its a general opinion that women like money better, but how far is this true??Only a 10% percent of it is true. yes, mostly the women in a relationship give minimum weightage to how their guy looks or behaves or how successful he is, because for a women all that matters most is how well the guy treats them and how much he loves them.

When your woman tells you about the problems and tensions that she faced during the day, she doesn't not expect you to help her out with it or something, but she expects you to be little compassionate and caring by heeding ears to her and say few comforting words like "I am here for you baby".Even a hug and kiss would help a lot. Next time when your woman says "I had such a such a problem...It was a worst day of my life...nobody is here to care for me..."and the sentence of such kinds try saying "Come to me baby or darling" or go to her and give her a hug and a kiss on her lips and then say that you are here for her. After that see the smile on her face.She will forget the rough day that she had altogether. As women are very sensitive, all the words that their guy speaks have big impact on them. So to keep them happy and motivated and felt recognized,appreciate her efforts and thank her(Be it a good meal or cleaning the house or exercising to stay in shape).So as you now know how to decode a woman's feeling ,its in your hand to make a relationship happy and love filled.

Bottomline :

Women are like a calm water,even a small force(words,be it good or bad) can cause numerous ripples.

Either the increase or decrease in love they have on you is directly proportional to how much you care for them and embrace them.



By,
Shriram Srinivasan

How To Ask What You Want To Know?

My first ever mail from a reader. Thank you for all of your support.

"Hello Mr.Sriram,

I am k(real names not disclosed) from chennai doing my college. . .Landed on ur blog when i searched for articles. . I liked ur articles. . .I was thinking whether you can help me with a issue that my friend is suffering from right now. . .Her name is S. .her boyfriend is a very jovial person who has a big friends circle. . . Ltely he is showing very less interest in my friend and my friend is suspecting that he might be cheating on her. . .She doesnt know how to deal with this thought and is afraid to ask him. . .She is having a tuf time because of this. . .She has lost the interest in everything,She is doing bad in studies. . .We all are worried looking her this way. . .She fears that asking him out of doubt will ruin her relationship. . .I am writing to you hoping to get a solution. . .Thank you. . .Pls donot disclose our true names incase if u r writing a article addressing our mail.

With Love and respect

k "

The above are the actual words of our reader. Thank you for your trust in me. In your friend's case,the problem is that she is afraid to ask due to the fear of rejection and to face the truth. Its a very normal state of a human mind to project a small problem to hundred folds and mull over it. Let me tell you the reason for it.

Human Mind at Work
Basically in a human being's head there are two minds at work,one is the conscious mind and other one is the sub conscious mind. The science behind the operation of these minds is very beautiful one.Your conscious mind works only when you are awake and it is responsible for what you do at a particular moment but the sub conscious mind never takes any rest. It even operates when we sleep(It is the one responsible for generating dreams).

This subconscious mind keeps on analyzing your fears(all through the day whether you are awake or not) and generates a list of most practical and superficial possibilities. So when this list is generated, our conscious mind takes the most justified of the possibilities based on the track record of the happenings in our lives and the lives of people around us and fears over it. So in a period of time this fear in us gets exhibited through our actions and words without our knowledge and sets the stage for our fear to become a reality(This is what we call as vibe).

Take a grip
The solution for the problem is very simple. Rather giving space for all these thoughts and grinding them and fabricating a nice problem for ourselves,we can save our energy by putting all these to halt and asking our loved ones directly. But all of us out there don't know where to start and how to start. So we somehow mess things up and leaving it Hot and confused. This is exactly the time when we need to maintain our cool and not succumb to the temptation of using of words that might scar our partners.

Please always Works
The best way to asking something that you want to know is by adding a little kindness. Rather than starting with fireworks like "Are you cheating on me?" you can frame it like this "I want to talk to you about something important. Lately you are showing less interest in me. Is it because of your work ? love you so much and i want little more of your attention on me please".This second sentence would surely work as it forms a emotional bridge. Your partner will surely respond to you in a positive way making more space for love and happiness.

Bottom line

Kindness never hurts but unwanted words do(At first it may make you feel satisfied for defeating your partner but later will make you realize that you too have lost the battle because if either one of you lose then you both lose it).

Ask your partner softly about what you want to know because anger always kills love.

Never jump into hasty conclusions. Ask you partner what they have to say and then decide.

By
Shriram Srinivasan

Is Possessiveness A Serious Relationship Threat?

This week the problem that we are going to look into is Possessiveness which poses to be the derailing factor in most of the happy relationships. When u look into the minute details of this feeling which we call as possessiveness we can find a very elegant meaning "You are mine".

If the feeling of possessiveness has such a beautiful meaning then where lies the problem to derail the peace and happiness in the relationship?The answer for the above question is what we are going to see today.

Everything is Fair in Love
Like i have been saying from my first post, love is not a child's play. Its a beautiful feeling that we develop for a person over time which involves care and commitment. All of us on the face of this Earth long to find a person who would love us for whom we are.

Finding that right person for us out of the millions of people that we meet is the biggest miracle that could happen in our lives.Fortunately we have met that destined person of our life and we have fallen head over heals in love with that person.Everything is perfect with the passion and love sizzling.Its a human Instinct to protect something that they feel is rightfully theirs without thinking about the ways involved and that is what we call as possessiveness.

Liberated Souls
All the above said are just one side of the coin. The other side has its own stories and justification. In the world of relationship there is a another class of people those who like to have their personal space.Even though they love their partner so deeply in their heart they prefer to have some freedom to do what they want to do and enjoy themselves.

This kind of people are whom we call as "liberated souls".The people who belong to this class feel good and happy only when they are let to have their space. Whoever who try to control these kind of people by force will find their efforts to be futile.Again here with these people we have another human nature at play.These kind of people tend to defend their freedom with everything that they have even if the person who is trying to control them are their parents.


Meet Of The Coin's Two Faces
Now as we know about the two mindsets of the people,i believe it would be easy to drill down to the core of the problem.When the bond of relationship is developed between two people belonging to the same class, there would be hardly any chances of misconception.But that doesn't happen often.So Lets address the massive population of people like us who have a partner from the other side.

Imagine a person who is so protective over the person whom they love and the person who is so inclined to defending his freedom form the bond of love. After a few months into the relationship,one of the partner would be trying to be protective over their love and not letting anyone else (Not even friends) to harm that happy relationship(eg :Always trying to spend time with their partner ) while the other would be bitterly trying to defend the potential threat to the loss of their freedom to do what they want(eg: Not getting time to do what they want to do).Slowly the friction arises and the more they try to protect and defend the more the friction grows.At certain point the friction would be so high that it would have generated a fire that would burn down all the love between the partners.

Lubrication For Friction
Possessiveness is not that bad of a problem as we all think.A simple antidote for this is just pure Love.With love comes understanding and sacrifice,with understanding and sacrifice comes more love.As i usually say, in a relationship communication is important.Try to put down your swords and armors and try to open up to your partners about how you feel.Remember that they are the same old person with whom you madly fell in love and not your arch rivals.Stop defending yourself when they are telling you about how they feel if you truly want to know what they feel.

After heeding ears to your partner, think to yourselves about how much you value your partner's feeling and make a few little sacrifices and see.When they see the difference in you, they will understand your effort and love for them and they will try to do few sacrifices for you restoring the peace and happiness in the relationship.Remember, both protectiveness and personal freedom is good only when it is within their limits.


Bottomline:

"Possesiveness is a beautiful feeling if you learn how to exhibit and feel it."

People who are protective remember that giving some freedom to your partner is not going to hurt your relationship.If they haven't liked you then they wouldn't have got into a relationship with you in the first place.

People who crave for personal freedom remember that there is a person who loves you more than how much you love your freedom.So respect their love and try to be considerate to their needs.

By
Shriram Srinivasan